Tom Bolls, MA LPC
Improving Communication
How Does Communication Differ From Conflict?
Most couples come to me complaining about communication issues.
I agree that most people encounter difficulties discussing the issues that concern them. Generally, when I ask couples to talk through their concerns, I see a lot of talking ... but there's very little listening going on. Many times, clients confuse "proving a point" with conversation. They don't listen.
The common traps that couples seem to fall into around conversation are:
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We need to be right
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An inability to communicate what we need
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Denying what we are feeling in the moment
Tom Bolls, MA LPC
What Good Will It Do To Talk About My Feelings?
Our feelings act as our guidance system like a compass. They protect us from harm when someone is hurting us. They bring others closer when we need support. Ideally, we should use our feelings to guide us through our interactions with our loved ones.
The most common mistake I see in communication is that clients seem out of touch with what they are feeling in the moment. So they may be inadvertantly pushing the other person away when they really want to bring the other person closer. Our capacity for feelings helps us understand ourselves better and promote better connection through empathy.
Better Communication In Relationship is Usually Emotional (Rather Than Logical)
Dr. John Gottman's research in the field of relationship psychology has revealed a striking insight: approximately 85% of conflicts between couples have no logical resolution. According to Gottman, these conflicts often stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or life experiences that are deeply ingrained and unlikely to change. Instead of seeking resolution, Gottman suggests that couples should focus on understanding and managing these differences through empathy, effective communication, and compromise. This approach can foster a stronger emotional connection and promote a healthier, more resilient relationship.